I will tell you these past few weeks have been more than a challenge to my heart and mind, to my motherhood. I hesitate to write these words but feel that if I don’t put something down I can’t sort it all out. The enemy is hard at work trying to confuse the issues and scramble the picture. I know this, which is a good thing, I am one step ahead toward victory. I have spent so much time on my knees, in tears, begging God for several things. I try to stay on point with Him. I try to pray in His will, for His will and His glory. Through me! I trust Him so much that I keep going to Him with the same prayers. Just as the woman did in Matthew 15:22. (My pastor preached on this verse on Mother’s Day, confirming my faith in being persistence with the Lord concerning my children)
What is different about these prayers is that when I pray, I pray with urgency, desperation for God to move on the behalf of my children. I am convicted with the words that come from the depths of my soul. Convicted to confess my helplessness, my inability to handle what may be simple to some. I know the verse “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he shall not depart from it.” What happens in between? Between childhood and old? The many things in the world vying for attention in their lives, the holes in their lives left by others, even perhaps me. The woman in Matthew did not quit, she did not back down. I am at that point in my prayers. I can not back down. I am wondering how long it was until she went to Jesus. How long had she gone through the worst of it? What did she do on the days that she was overwhelmed and weak with despair of the circumstances? What hope did she have before she heard of the miracle worker, the Jesus that saves? Was the rumor of what He could do the very answer to her prayers?
I remember the very first time I prayed for my children after getting saved. I prayed that each one would come to know Christ as their personal savior, I prayed that they would grow up and serve Him. I dedicated each one to the Lord. I have to admit when I prayed those prayers and gave them to God I had no idea what lay ahead. Even if I did I would have done the same. I had no doubt that what I prayed would somehow be manifested. I look back over these years with my kids and can only see how even my best efforts were not often good enough. I see now that the work being done in their hearts was that of the Holy Spirit not mine. And sometimes out of ignorance, I hindered that work. For instance, I seem to be able only to see faults, mine and theirs. I do see the good things, the gifts that God has given to them, to all of us, and I truly am grateful for them…but I keep going back to the faults. I admit that as a single mother it is hard, so very hard to be objective. Maybe it is because I am a woman…too emotional, too sensitive and too soft. I believe that is why God meant for a man and a woman to raise children together. To bring balance to parenting.
How do I bring balance to my home? I don’t know the answer to that one. How do I fill the place of the man in my home? I don’t know the answer to that one either. So many good opportunities for my kids have slipped away through time. For them to know what a father would and could bring to their lives. I know that God says in His word that He will be a father to the fatherless. But I have to be honest here, this is one place I do not see that in their lives. And I am losing this battle. Trying to fill a hole I can not fill. Not one of my children, all four, do not know their fathers well enough to know what that relationship with God should be like. What do I do about that? I pray, I cry and I beg God for that answer!
This is not a lack of faith asking these questions. It is real life battle that I and probably thousands of other single parents are facing everyday. I know He is sovereign. I know God works all things together for good. I know He loves my children more than I could ever possibly hope to. I can tell you that I knowGod is working. What exactly He is doing, I can not tell you. My heart hurts, I can not lie, but there is a piece of it that hopes!
And thou shalt be secure, because there is hope; yea, thou shalt dig about thee, and thou shalt take thy rest in safety. Job 11:18