Today’s verse on the Thomas Kinkade flip calendar is 2 Corinthians 13:11 “The God of love and peace shall be with you.” That is a GRRRRRRREAT reminder after posting on Monday, my prayers to God, about the anxiety I have been experiencing.
It is the kind of anxiety that you feel in the pit of your stomach and in your throat. It leaves you taking deep breaths and your heart is racing a mile a minute. I believe it is what happens right before a panic attack. Some have described cold sweats, dry heaving and unbelievable dizziness. Thank God I am not there. Yet.
I am really not sure how much I should reveal as to the reason for these current physiological occurences other than if the weekend could be over today I would be in much relief. You ever hear the saying “One man’s pain is another man’s pleasure?” Well that could somewhat apply here.
I have experienced these very, very uncomfortable feelings several times in my life and ironically one of those times indirectly relates to this time. It was a nightmare then. But if I am being honest I did not completely face the thing that brought on the ‘anxiety & dread’ the first time. I sort of let someone else handle it. So I believe I have no choice but to face it square on this time.
There are some huge differences between the two events. Back then I did not have the faith in God that I have today. I was naive and lost. Today I know a whole heap of stuff, thanks to hind sight and experience. And thanks to Jesus Christ, I am found. The other difference is back then life as I knew it was being ripped out of my hands and I was losing everything, or so I thought. Today God has given back to me what was taken from me and I have gained everything. Including a love for Him that I would probably not have otherwise.
I am not talking about material things. I am talking about love, honor and commitment. Those things that are contained in wedding vows. Back then it was a little girls dream of happily ever after dying before my eyes. Today it is about true love never fails. To face the fear and insecurity in my heart from long, long ago again is so overwhelming. I am trying to understand why after all I have learned about my Heavenly Father the feelings have come back.
It’s the age-old question why would God keep bringing something or someone back into your life that is hard to deal with?
In my reading today I realized that even in Paul’s day Christians had to be continually reminded that the Spirit of God lives in you when you accept Christ. It is that Spirit which helps you to intimately know God, the Father and the Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. It is that Spirit who gives comfort, strength and daily wisdom. Through the Holy Spirit and God’s amazing grace we are able to cope with those things that are beyond our capabilities. Also through grace God reveals those things in you that need to be purged. Impurities such as unbelief, sinful thoughts and selfish desires.
Those things in my heart which were from long ago have remained because I chose not to fully deal with them and put them in their proper place. I did not put them up to the light of truth. I left them alone because they were sort of comforting to me. I chose to forgive but I did not choose to work through the fear and insecurity from loss. I chose to hang on to it because it justified my superiority over those who hurt me. So now every once in a while I can take it out and use it to excuse my ‘anxiety.’ “Oh, Lord how weak I am.”
God has been using messages throughout the weeks and months to bring me to this new level of understanding. David and Goliath. Jesus asleep in the ship during a huge storm. Jonah and the whale. Joseph, what his brothers meant for evil, God meant for good. God speaking to Moses in the burning bush. Just in listing these messages brings every past lesson I learned to my mind.
- God is bigger than my anxiety
- Trust Jesus no matter the circumstances around you
- You can not outrun God
- Every difficulty that comes into you life God will use it to glorify Himself and to conform you to the image of Jesus Christ
- No matter how many excuses you have for God as to why you can’t He has one big one why you can, His power lives in you
Each one of the above lessons were learned by reading, studying and applying them in my life from the day I began my relationship with Jesus. The journey to learn them was up and down, sometimes all over the place. At times painful and other times extremely gratifying. But each one always came with a promise from God. One He has always been faithful to keep. One that He wrote deeply on my heart.
- “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
- “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
- “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.“ Psalm 139:7-10
- “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.” Romans 8:28-30
- “He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
With all these promises in mind and in my heart, as I draw closer to the moment of inevitability I see what it could be through Christ. I envision Him doing something spectacular, as He has done before. I smile at the thought that many will witness the miraculous. All will marvel at His handiwork, how He brings all the broken pieces together to form something new and usable.
Then again this might be something He does privately within my heart. Through me. Beyond me. The results will still be the same. Miraculous, I marveling at His handiwork and He forming something new and usable out of the broken pieces left inside me.
And so it could be the anxiety is merely a warning sign to beware the obstacles ahead. Keep your eyes on the road Christ has set before you. Follow His directions, obey the commandments He has given you. Do not turn left nor right. Keep going forward walking in His steps. Focus on the destination He has given you. Trust in all you can not see yet. Know He has gone before and already cleared the path.
So heading into the unknown of tomorrow I am starting to feel the peace, the steady beat of my heart, the ease of breathing, in and out without thinking about it.
“Ahhhh, there it is ‘love and peace with me!”