Breathing, In and Out

Today’s verse on the Thomas Kinkade flip calendar is 2 Corinthians 13:11  “The God of love and peace shall be with you.”  That is a GRRRRRRREAT reminder after posting on Monday, my prayers to God, about the anxiety I have been experiencing.

Capture
It is the kind of anxiety that you feel in the pit of your stomach and in your throat.  It leaves you taking deep breaths and your heart is racing a mile a minute.  I believe it is what happens right before a panic attack.  Some have described cold sweats, dry heaving and unbelievable dizziness.  Thank God I am not there. Yet.

I am really not sure how much I should reveal as to the reason for these current physiological occurences other than if the weekend could be over today I would be in much relief. You ever hear the saying “One man’s pain is another man’s pleasure?”  Well that could somewhat apply here.

I have experienced these very, very uncomfortable feelings several times in my life and ironically one of those times indirectly relates to this time.  It was a nightmare then. But if I am being honest I did not completely face the thing that brought on the ‘anxiety & dread’ the first time.  I sort of let someone else handle it. So I believe I have no choice but to face it square on this time.

There are some huge differences between the two events.  Back then I did not have the faith in God that I have today.  I20150128_121050 was naive and lost. Today I know a whole heap of stuff, thanks to hind sight and experience. And thanks to Jesus Christ, I am found.  The other difference is back then life as I knew it was being ripped out of my hands and I was losing everything, or so I thought. Today God has given back to me what was taken from me and I have gained everything. Including a love for Him that I would probably not have otherwise.

I am not talking about material things.  I am talking about love, honor and commitment. Those things that are contained in wedding vows.  Back then it was a little girls dream of happily ever after dying before my eyes.  Today it is about true love never fails.  To face the fear and insecurity in my heart from long, long ago again is so overwhelming. I am trying to understand why after all I have learned about my Heavenly Father the feelings have come back.

It’s the age-old question why would God keep bringing something or someone back into your life that is hard to deal with?

In my reading today I realized that even in Paul’s day Christians had to be continually reminded that the Spirit of God lives in you when you accept Christ. It is that Spirit which helps you to intimately know God, the Father and the Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. It is that Spirit who gives comfort, strength and daily wisdom. Through the Holy Spirit and God’s amazing grace we are able to cope with those things that are beyond our capabilities. Also through grace God reveals those things in you that need to be purged. Impurities such as unbelief, sinful thoughts and selfish desires.

Those things in my heart which were from long ago have remained because I chose not to fully deal with them and put them in their proper place.  I did not put them up to the light of truth. I left them alone because they were sort of comforting to me. I chose to forgive but I did not choose to work through the fear and insecurity from loss. I chose to hang on to it because it justified my superiority over those who hurt me.  So now every once in a while I can take it out and use it to excuse my ‘anxiety.’ “Oh, Lord how weak I am.”

God has been using messages throughout the weeks and months to bring me to this new level of understanding.  David and Goliath. Jesus asleep in the ship during a huge storm.  Jonah and the whale.  Joseph, what his brothers meant for evil, God meant for good. God speaking to Moses in the burning bush. Just in listing these messages brings every past lesson I learned to my mind.

  • God is bigger than my anxiety
  • Trust Jesus no matter the circumstances around you
  • You can not outrun God
  • Every difficulty that comes into you life God will use it to glorify Himself and to conform you to the image of Jesus Christ
  • No matter how many excuses you have for God as to why you can’t He has one big one why you can, His power lives in you

Each one of the above lessons were learned by reading, studying and applying them in my life from the day I began my relationship with Jesus.  The journey to learn them was up and down, sometimes all over the place.  At times painful and other times extremely gratifying. But each one always came with a promise from God.  One He has always been faithful to keep.  One that He wrote deeply on my heart.

  • Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
  • “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
  • “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me. Psalm 139:7-10
  • “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.” Romans 8:28-30
  • “He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

With all these promises in mind and in my heart, as I draw closer to the moment of inevitability I see what it could be through Christ.  I envision Him doing something spectacular, as He has done before.  I smile at the thought that many will witness the miraculous.  All will marvel at His handiwork, how He brings all the broken pieces together to form something new and usable.

Then again this might be something He does privately within my heart.  Through me.  Beyond me. The results will still be the same. Miraculous, I marveling at His handiwork and He forming something new and usable out of the broken pieces left inside me.

And so it could be the anxiety is merely a warning sign to beware the obstacles ahead. Keep your eyes on the road Christ has set before you. Follow His directions, obey the commandments He has given you.  Do not turn left nor right. Keep going forward walking in His steps. Focus on the destination He has given you. Trust in all you can not see yet. Know He has gone before and already cleared the path.

So heading into the unknown of tomorrow I am starting to feel the peace, the steady beat of my heart, the ease of breathing, in and out without thinking about it.

“Ahhhh, there it is ‘love and peace with me!”

air-breathe_best-love-letters-ever-written

What else do you need?

The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation,and my high tower. Psalm 18:2

The end of another year.  2014.  I am finding it is true with age time speeds up and memory begins to fade.  I was just remarking, the other day, how my memories seem so distant to me.  Even just the events of 10 years ago seem like another time another place to me.  I never would have imagined the life I am now living, not in a million years.

One of the major changes this year is that Pete and I are almost “empty-nesters.” Without even realizing it, on occasion, I have found myself trying to remember what it was like to be constantly taking care of children.  The only time I get close to remembering is when I have my Grandchildren for a night and a day. 🙂

I have been contemplating what this year has meant to me, what new thing I have learned and what God did in our lives as a family this year. The year certainly went fast. As I look back through the pictures I can not believe all the moments I got to witness in my families’ life. So many to mention but I will just try to highlight a few.

The beginning of the year saw some actual winter weather in Houston. Icicles of all things. They were everywhere and soooo pretty!

One of the favorite events of the year was the Josh Garrels and Robbie Seay Band concert we attended at the Warehouse Live in Houston, Texas. Ben and Rachel introduced us to Josh’s music and we had been listening to him for a while.  He had just started touring this side of the country and Pete bought tickets for us but he could not make it because he was still deployed.  Ben, Rachel, Sam and I went. We recorded him singing some of our favorite songs so the video quality was not that great. He sounded so much richer in person. The music was incredible and we all fell in love with his music even more after seeing him live. He is very down to earth and authentic!

We celebrated Brodies’ 7th Birthday! An amazing day with a castle cake, hand-made shields, many a daring sword fights and adventures with the kids.

 

Another special day was Blue Bonnets blooming in Texas.  It is a funny story.  I told my husband before we married that he had to see the Blue Bonnets. Bragged to him how beautiful they were so we planned our honeymoon to go to a bed and breakfast in the Brenham area so we could go see them when they bloomed.  The year we married there was very little rain around Texas so the drought effected the Blue Bonnet season severely. When we got to Brenham and planned our day to go on our tour of the area we discovered there weren’t any Blue Bonnets to be found. The waitress at the restaurant had told us there were a few but did not stay long.  However we found one (1) at a nursery.  Now this year there were millions! What a joy to share with our grandchildren!

There were many other happenings throughout the year.  Everyday things like soccer games, trips to the beach and a trip up to Fort Hood to see the ‘Army Guy’ in our family. 🙂 Witnessing vows at weddings, births of more grandchildren.  Fun times spent in the back yard looking for and finding cool bugs. Spending really hot days at the pool.  Family dinners and celebrating more birthdays in the family.  If you follow me on Facebook then you have already seen the 1000’s of pictures I have posted. But here are a few that cause me to pause.

 

Notice anything about most of these pictures? Most of them are filled with little people, grandchildren.  The ‘group’ pictures are my favorite because they represent how the Lord doubled and even tripled our family.  The growth of our family, the dynamic of our family and most importantly the blessing of our family. God has given us so much this year and all of it in tiny blessings.

The pictures are not perfect. While there are smiling faces and silly grins there to are the worries, the disappointments and the losses.  But you can’t really see that.  You only see that some are posed but if you look closer you can see each personality of each person frozen-in-time.  You can’t see the little things most often missed by many too hurried to wonder about it. Like gratefulness that most of us had good health this year. That we could afford to celebrate and travel. That we could provide for our family. That in the hodge-podge, that is our family, we could be together and enjoy the simple moment-by-moment pleasure of making memories.

What did I learn this year?  I learned this year you can not hold tightly to things or people because they are not meant to be permanent. So I have let go. I learned that lessons God taught me years ago are still relevant to me today and I have to keep applying His answers to my life each and every day no matter what. So it is back to the basics in my walk with God for me.  I learned that loving your children does not mean you agree with everything they do and say and praying for them is the best way to bring about positive changes in their lives. So my prayer time will increase for sure. 😉

Even now I can not imagine what 2015 will be like. There are already a few things we have on our calendar to look forward to but I do not know exactly how they will go until we get to that time. I can not be sure of tomorrow but I can be sure that God will be there when it comes because He always is. A friend posted that she has never been sorry that she trusted in His name! I replied, “me too!”  For that is real and true, especially for 2014.

So the very best thing I could do for the new year would be to continue to trust in Him!  For He is my ROCK, my FORTRESS, my DELIVERER and my STRENGTH!

What else do you need???

Grace to you,

Shell