Of all my blog entries I think this will be the most intimate of all. Writing in an open forum can be a bit risky when sharing personal events, feelings or thoughts. I have often tried not to be too revealing where my friends and family are concerned. Mainly because some of the things I write about are not only going on inside my head and heart but around me…to them perhaps. I do not want to project any of the feelings or thoughts on to them as if they were speaking…I can not speak for them.
I have tried solely to write from a place that places responsibility on myself. While some of the events in my life have caused me great pain and were at times the result of someone else’s actions I have tried to own my feelings and actions through out. My reason or belief is that no matter what happens to us in our lives we are the ones that choose how we will respond to that circumstance. We choose the direction we will take in our life. We can walk in bitterness and hate or in forgiveness and love!
I believe we are all responsible for what we do with the emotions that God has equipped us with. He says in His word
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
Notice that the last word in the verse is temperance. Self Control. That is no accident. Last but not least. Above all He wants us to exhibit self control in all areas of our lives. Not just with our emotions but actions, words and desires. The most ironic thing is that being out-of-control in any area of life can cause so much heartache and pain in our lives.
I have had something on my heart for some time and have prayed about how to share this through my blog. I am sure that it won’t be read by the world but will perhaps be read by those of you who have been with me here on WLS for some time. And it is to those of you who have and can appreciate the journey of grief and restoration I have been on, that I want to share. For you who are new or have joined me within the last year or so I hope that you will read it with the knowledge that my heart belongs to God. I am a sinner saved by grace because He is my salvation! Jesus Christ is my Savior and He saved me with His blood. He covered my sins and made me new! Without Him I would be nothing and with Him I am alive!!!
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 2 Corinthians 5:1
I have shared bits and pieces of my testimony here on WLS, the result of pain from my divorces, loss, grief and the loneliness that accompanies it. I have tried to share along with that what God has taught me, what He has done through those experiences. That was the sole purpose of my writing. Mostly for me it was my therapy. And yes it helped greatly. I have realized that we all go through difficult times but there must be a time when we come to acceptance, that what is done is done and nothing can change it. Ultimately God will take it and make something good come out of it for His glory. I truly believe that with all my heart.
This is a different type of blog in that I would like to vent and I pray that God would show me where I need a change of heart. There is someone in my life that is attacking me, verbally and bitterly. At first I was taken aback by the attack and could not understand why. The things that are being said are for the most part immature, hateful and just plain mean. They are being said in a public forum in front of their children and mine. Yes, I am angry and I believe it is righteous anger. There are two sides to every story. My side starts with pain and heartbreak this person caused me over twenty years ago. I forgave them their trespass against me and I walked in it. I made steps to befriend and understand the reason behind their actions. I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I truly believed that God had changed their heart over the years.
Now I find out differently. Not only did they not learn from their destructive behavior, many years ago, they have repeated their actions against another human being. The real twist is the person they betrayed was also a party to the heartache they caused me. I have prayed very hard for understanding in it all. But in the end there is just no understanding to why people do and say the things they do other than pride. And pride is a sin. Pride says “I am right, you are wrong” It says, “I am significant, you are nothing.” It says, “I can do whatever, say whatever and hurt whoever and there is nothing you can do about that!” There is no fear of God or His judgment. We are fallen creatures and until the Lord returns we are to live in a world where many will say “I have done nothing wrong.” And then place blame on those closest to them only to justify their own sin sick souls.
I am not angry or resentful that God has allowed this circumstance to enter into my life. On the contrary because along with this event there comes something surprising and unexpected that fills me with joy, redemption and restoration to one who means a great deal to me. It is all connected and I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that when God is moving and doing something huge in your life, Satan is mad as hell and will not stand idly by while He advances His kingdom. He will use anything or anyone to create confusion or cause doubt in our lives.
I admit my emotions are getting the better of me at times and have to confess it to the Lord. I am trying to respond in a godly manner that would be pleasing to Him; I am also praying that God would reveal Himself to all involved. However, I am not naïve enough to think that a person who does not know God personally could ever understand that He loves them so much that He gave His son for them. A love so great it would fill their empty, aching heart. A love so full that it gives a peace they have never known. A love so complete it gives forgiveness for all the bad they have done in their life. A love so wonderful it gives joy for all the good He has given to them.
There was a time in my life when I did not know love, peace or forgiveness; I know what it is like to realize I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I know what it is like to say things I wish I had never said. I know what it is like to betray a friend. I know what it is like to sit and wonder what people are saying about me. I know what it is like to lose everything. I know what it is like to have no peace, to have no love in my heart, to have no joy. I know what it is like to feel so alone in the world that my heart aches for someone to say “I love you” and mean it.
Thanks be to God I know it now! For God says He loves me with an everlasting love and He means what He says, emphatically. He changed all of it for me, forever. And that is what I pray for the one who seems to hate me with every ounce of their being. The one I forgave all those years ago and forgives still today.
Grace to you all….
For God so loved the YOU, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16