He Sets Us Free!

For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. Romans 8:21

 

Ok, I have a confession to make before I rant and rave.  Today I was angry.  I woke up angry from yesterday.  Yesterday I was upset then I stewed.  And you know what happens when you stew?  Well you just get hotter!  And boy did I.  A co-worker did something that took me aback a little at first.  Basically “threw me under the bus” so to speak.  At first I was in disbelief and then after a while I just got plain mad.  What the heck?  I made a mistake.  I admitted to the mistake and I set about correcting it.  But for what ever reason that was not good enough.  My nature is to get defensive and try to find a reason for the mistake (an excuse) but immediately I could not recall what went wrong so I just decided it was easier to own up to it.  It could have easily been someone else’s mistake because there are several people involved in the process but I am pretty sure the buck stopped with me so I just owned it.  Pretty big of me, right?  (Rolling my eyes)  I am also the kind of person that does not generally hold a grudge.  I understand that people have bad days and can take their stuff out on others so I usually end up giving them the benefit of the doubt.  But in this situation it was not at all like that. First of all it was not the end of the world type of mistake nor was it one that someone would have or could have lost their job over.   But throwing me under the bus, was done so nonchalantly , it was as if it were written in the employee handbook somewhere.  (I am trying to tell this objectively without getting all worked up so pray for me as you read this)

So they pretended that nothing at all had happened and I pretended to not notice.  I left work at the usual time and began my wonderful, lovely, commute from H-E- double L.  Yes, these past 3 days have been one accident after another slowing our ride down to 5 mph for 23 miles of road way.  Did I mention the rodeo is in town and the cows and lambs are on the road with us…peeeewwwww!  So I had plenty of time to think about what had transpired at work.  By the time I arrived home at 7 pm (2 hours later-normally it is 60 minute to a 90 minute drive) I was just fowl.  I was going to try to put it aside and just spend time with my wonderful, teenage boys.  They were not at home when I arrived. They were next door watching a movie with the three other boys.  I talked a bit with my room mate. (she later told me she knew something was the matter but she did not ask)  Then my precious sons came walking through the door at 9pm.  “What’s for dinner, I am hungry!” in unison. 

Now, can I tell you without getting even more worked up, that at 9pm I am by nature a creature of some routine.  I mean, it is time to put my jammies on and go to my room and kick back with a book, scriptures or maybe check email before turning in for the night.  So at 9 pm when my two sons are staring at me with wide eyes and shock at a woman who is going ballistic over what the heck is for dinner????  “Are you serious, tell me your not serious?”  The last straw was when my 15 year old said, “What no dinner, that is just bull!”  Can I say that the thought of strangling ones neck is only a sin (murder) if you actually think death, I was only thinking of causing temporary pain.  Yes, I left my skin in the place where I was standing and within five seconds time period I said things I had not said in years.  No, I was not cussing but I was giving them what for. 

It was just a few minutes later I retreated to my room, mumbling peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, cheese sandwiches or bologna? “That is dinner now go to town boys!!” I went to my room, got into my jammies and just bawled like a baby.  The whole day was just too much.  No love, no appreciation, no defender, I came up with a bunch of no’s…blubbering through everyone of them.  My oldest knocked on my locked door…”Mama, can I come in?”  Through my tears, “No, just go away, leave me alone.”  Some noise and then he jiggles something in the lock and comes in anyway.  (Rolling my eyes)  “What is wrong with you, mama?”  Oh, don’t get me started….

Suffice to say they both were in my room trying to apologize but I was just not in a place to accept it.  I was feeling very sorry for myself at that moment.  So I finally was able to go to sleep. Woke up the next morning 10 minutes late, getting the boys up late, they both missed the bus so I had to take them both to school and that made me late.  The traffic was again the same nightmare it was the night before so guess what, I had plenty of time to think again….omg, make it stop!!! 

The more I thought about it the more mad I got.   I am about 10 minutes from the office and I miss my turn off…I never miss the turn…but yes I had one more thing to be mad about.  So by the time I pulled into the parking garage I was ready to let everyone have it.  By God I am mad and someone one is gonna pay.  I went down one elevator in the parking garage and up another inside the building, then to the office door I made up my mind I was just gonna be angry.  I had plenty of reasons…job, money, kids, traffic, stupid commercials on the radio, men, spiteful co-workers….so I opened the door and walked in, grimacing.  I put my things down,  turned on my computer, went into the kitchen made coffee and finally sat down at my desk for the morning.  Breathed.  Yep, still mad.

Turned to my co-worker, here it goes….wait for it….

My heart just went flat.  Opened my mouth and what came out was (rolling my eyes)  “So what did you think of the girls on AI last night?”  And before you know it we were in a conversation about who we liked and who we didn’t and what we thought the guys would do tonight. Through out the day I told everyone I was an angry woman.  At least they would know I was angry even if they did not know why.  I made it a point to tell everyone just so I could hold on to it for a while.  But the truth is it was not worth it.  I was exhausted by 2pm.

I am not the kind of person who would take pleasure in doing what was done to me.  Being thrown under the bus does not feel good for certain.  And yes I am still thinking about it or I wouldn’t be writing about it now.  But I need to say this out loud, to make a record of it. (btw thanks if you have read to this point, I appreciate you hanging in there)

When I was driving to work and I was busy thinking about my anger and all the things I could add to the fire something inside me said you need to listen to God’s voice.  You need to talk with him.  And then it occurred to me.  My life has become this endless circle or cycle of same things.  So I got angry at that. . .Sleep, wake, dress, drive, work, drive, eat, sleep.  And then it starts all over again. One of the things I have been missing so very badly is meaningful conversation.  Not the day to day hi, bye, how ya doing, what’s up, call me later stuff.  The real sit down, face to face, bonafide communication with another soul.  I miss the back and forth, the connection.  And I miss talking with God like that.  It has been a while, maybe cuz I have been angry before and did not even realize it.  Right there and then I tried to put it out of my mind…I was angry now and I wanted to stay that way.  I said out loud, “God, what is wrong with me?”  “Can’t you speak to me?” (Not while your ranting and raving)

I reached down and pulled out a cd that our Pastor gave to the mothers last Mother’s Dy and popped it into the player.  I turned it up as loud as I could stand it, to drowned out the traffic and my thoughts.  I listened as each song came on and before I knew it I quieted down. I stopped talking and started listening.  When I parked the car I had listened to three quarters of the cd.  And one song, in the middle somewhere, stuck in my head the rest of the day.  And even when I was being stubborn, deciding to be angry in spite of what He was trying to tell me through the music, the words to that song just kept pounding on my heart.  “You Set Me Free”

When we are angry we build a wall.  We let pride say “no”.  When we hold onto hurts we let our heart rage.  When we stand against the truth of God’s Word we fail to let it wash us in grace and mercy.  God knows our heart, He knows our pain, He knows our sorrow, yet He chooses to stick by us no matter what. As the song says, “He fathers so patiently.”

I left work, drove home and at 9 pm got my jammies on.  What was different about today?  He set me free!

Grace and mercy to you all

shell

PS. I am not angry any longer.

j0430697

 

 

   

 

You Set Me Free

sung by Sandi Patty

(this is the only clear version I could find)

 

There’ve been times in my life you’ve open doors

they weren’t what I was hoping for

so I’d walk right by them, didn’t even try them

there have been dreams I’ve forgot and dreams I have let die

Unnoticed sunsets in front of my eyes I just couldn’t see them

I thought I didn’t need them.

 

sure there are things that I do different and yet

grace gives me days where I simply forget

cuz you set me free to run through fields of laughter

and to sing as though I have no yesterdays

you set me free from my befores and afters

from a debt I know I’ll never pay

when you set me free

 

 

There have been chances to love that I’ve ignored

mercies I have found I couldn’t afford

I am sure I would have shown them if I only known then

how we all played a part in each others lives

there is more to this game than winning this prize

so much i got to try now, I feel like I could fly now

 

 

sure there are things that I do different and yet

grace gives me days where I simply forget

cuz you set me free to run through fields of laughter

and to sing as though I have no yesterdays

you set me free from my befores and afters

from a debt I know I’ll never pay

 

 

Father, you father me so ever so patiently

you give me wings to fly

when you set me free, to fly, to soar places I not been before

the boundaries of humanity can not contain what you set free

 

And you set me free to run through fields

and to sing as though I have no yesterdays

you set me free from my befores and afters

from a debt I know I know I’ll never pay

Father you father me so ever so patiently

you set me free to fly, you set me free to fly

6 thoughts on “He Sets Us Free!

  1. Wow, I figure this is about as down to earth as it gets my friend and I really appreciate it. Nothing blesses me more then seeing divine intervention even if it\’s through something as simple as a song…that happens to me all the time and I absolutely love it. Fantastic that you came around like that…that testimony really blessed me, thank you for sharing!

  2. Music will always calm you down. I almost always have songs playing when I\’m driving and (as my blog says) they\’re always running around in my head. So, when I\’m mad, I throw in a John Denver CD or other songs and pretty soon I\’m singing along and forgetting my anger. I talked to a psychologist once who told me that if you\’re singing, you can\’t be depressed (yeah, even the blues!). So, as long as you have music nearby, you can make it work.

  3. Shelly Belly… I sure wish I was able to come visit you next week like we had talked about. I wouldn\’t have been much fun but I would have loved nothing more than to sit and chat the long days away on the beach with you. I know we are a thousand miles apart but I love talking on the phone and if you ever want to talk (for any reason or for no reason) please call me! I love you! Liz

  4. after an intense conversation with my eldest on the phone just now, a similiar one earlier in the day with my youngest, and a troubled mind over my grandchildren -a feeling sorry for myself day to an extent – reading your blog think I will just say, us mothers and grandmothers seem to be being stirred up before mothering sunday, pray for me as I pray for you. love – nita.

  5. This is such an exceptional post my talented friend. You really should consider writing for publication. Shell, we need to revive the interest in Spaces. I miss most everyone like a dear, close friend. Will you and your friends help me with this cause. Remain cloaked in His amazing grace dear sister.J.W.L.

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