Not really…you can ask my kids that. I cry pretty much at everything. Babies being born, even those I do not know. Commercials, songs, movies, friends who are hurting, remembering good times, thinking about my kids and my Grandbaby, worship music, a sermon, getting old, missing loved ones, looking in the mirror. And driving in Houston….lol. I know what the emotions were about but I am not sure I want to list them today. They are just so personal that I can’t even speak them aloud. I think if I did it may sound as if I am feeling sorry for myself. I really have no reason to do so….God answered my prayers with this one move. A whole list of them. So why do my emotions feel so out of control?
I posted a comment on FB today…it is kind of where I am…looking back again.
"I want to go back in time….if only star trek were real and there was a hole in the space time continuum…oh wait was that Back To The Future? Don’t mind me just having a pity party… ;)"
Liz asked me "What would you change if you could go back?" and I had an answer…."It would have to be a decision to walk with the Lord in 1985…God put a Christian lady in my path and I chose to walk the other way because of fear…the one thing I know is God makes all things work together for good to them who are called by His name and I will just have to trust that for now…thanks for asking!"
I had just come to know the Lord before going into the Air Force. While I was at Basic Training they made me the Chapel Guide. I would march a group of us to church on Sunday morning. That was kind of a big deal then because we were out on our own and it was kind of scary at first…did not want to do anything wrong. We would all cry during the whole service. Something about the music and the worship and missing home I guess…I look back on it and see God’s hand in opening the door for me to serve him. Then I went to Tech School. I went to church with my room mate. Although we did not go very regular. It was at my first duty assignment that God really did something amazing. My dorm room mate was a born again Christian. She invited me to church and I went one time…I was such a new Christian that I really didn’t know what it meant to walk with the Lord, to serve the Lord or bodly proclaim that I was a Christian. I am sad to say I still had a lot of the "old man" still in me… She was different and I was not sure I wanted to be different like that….I wanted to be with people and party. Have fun! Hang out! Her life seemed boring to me. I am not so sure that I had really recieved the Lord as my Savior at that time.
Now, many years later, I see that her life was not boring. She did things, a lot of things and had a lot of friends. They traveled, hiked and went to see the sites. She had fellowship. I understand that her life was full. I had chosen the empty, lonely way. I wanted something else…something familiar. I wanted to be comfortable in a new place. Comfortable was hanging with people who liked to party. Who liked doing the things that were familiar to me. Now I understand that it was not meant for me. God had intended another path which I rejected. I now look back and mourn that decision. I can’t tell you all the reasons why, only because it would be saying to God that everything He has done for me since has not been good enough and that would be unfair to God, not to mention disrespectful. He has been good to me. He has given me life, hope and love. I see just because of that one decision, I set into motion a life time of heartache that I may not have had to endure. Nor my children and maybe even their children.
One could say that God knew the path I would take and had to go to plan B with me. Does He have a plan B? Or one could say that I was meant to go down the path I chose and I got the life I was suppose to get. If that is so then I don’t feel as if there has been much point to it. I have failed at many things, lost many things, missed out on many things and may have missed out on experiencing the life that God meant for me to have. I may have missed out on having a soul mate, a family that stays together and prays together. Of passing on a godly legacy to them.
A friend of mine, who passed away recently, did a bible study devotion shortly before he went home to be with the Lord. He asked "what kind of legacy will you leave to your children?" And that question has burned in my heart and mind for months now. My children know I love the Lord. They know I try to serve Him. They know I believe in Him. They know I believe Him. I am afraid they are standing at their path and choosing the other way just as I did. And I can not change that. Before you say it, God can. I know. But the point is that when you stand back and look at your life as if looking out over a great plain, you see the things that were so hidden to you before. Maybe I saw them yet did not recognize them, maybe I saw them and chose not to see. I just don’t know.
I do know that because of the path I chose I ultimately chose Him. I have learned to trust Him and count on the promises He has made to me. I know His Word is living and true. It gives the plan for the second chances. It gives life to the dead. Because He is the Word. The pity party is temporary because it is another teaching moment from Him. This to shall pass!
God’s word says
1 Corinthians 13:11-13
So I am guessing that the older we get the more clear we see the things in our life as they relate to God. That the only important thing that remains in our life is our faith, our hope but ultimately our love. May you all feel His love today!
Grace to you