A hole I can not fill….

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I will tell you these past few weeks have been more than a challenge to my heart and mind, to my motherhood.  I hesitate to write these words but feel that if I don’t put something down I can’t sort it all out.  The enemy is hard at work trying to confuse the issues and scramble the picture.  I know this, which is a good thing, I am one step ahead toward victory.  I have spent so much time on my knees, in tears, begging God for several things.  I try to stay on point with Him.  I try to pray in His will, for His will and His glory.  Through me!  I trust Him so much that I keep going to Him with the same prayers.  Just as the woman did in Matthew 15:22.  (My pastor preached on this verse on Mother’s Day, confirming my faith in being persistence with the Lord concerning my children) 

What is different about these prayers is that when I pray, I pray with urgency, desperation for God to move on the behalf of my children.  I am convicted with the words that come from the depths of my soul.  Convicted to confess my helplessness, my inability to handle what may be simple to some.  I know the verse “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he shall not depart from it.”  What happens in between?  Between childhood and old?  The many things in the world vying for attention in their lives, the holes in their lives left by others, even perhaps me.  The woman in Matthew did not quit, she did not back down.  I am at that point in my prayers.  I can not back down.  I am wondering how long it was until she went to Jesus.  How long had she gone through the worst of it?  What did she do on the days that she was overwhelmed and weak with despair of the circumstances?  What hope did she have before she heard of the miracle worker, the Jesus that saves?  Was the rumor of what He could do the very answer to her prayers?

I remember the very first time I prayed for my children after getting saved.  I prayed that each one would come to know Christ as their personal savior, I prayed that they would grow up and serve Him.  I dedicated each one to the Lord.  I have to admit when I prayed those prayers and gave them to God I had no idea what lay ahead. Even if I did I would have done the same. I had no doubt that what I prayed would somehow be manifested.  I look back over these years with my kids and can only see how even my best efforts were not often good enough.  I see now that the work being done in their hearts was that of the Holy Spirit not mine. And sometimes out of ignorance, I hindered that work.  For instance, I seem to be able only to see faults, mine and theirs.  I do see the good things, the gifts that God has given to them, to all of us, and I truly am grateful for them…but I keep going back to the faults.  I admit that as a single mother it is hard, so very hard to be objective.  Maybe it is because I am a woman…too emotional, too sensitive and too soft.  I believe that is why God meant for a man and a woman to raise children together.  To bring balance to parenting.

How do I bring balance to my home?  I don’t know the answer to that one. How do I fill the place of the man in my home?  I don’t know the answer to that one either.  So many good opportunities for my kids have slipped away through time.  For them to know what a father would and could bring to their lives.  I know that God says in His word that He will be a father to the fatherless.  But I have to be honest here, this is one place I do not see that in their lives.  And I am losing this battle.  Trying to fill a hole I can not fill.  Not one of my children, all four, do not know their fathers well enough to know what that relationship with God should be like.  What do I do about that?  I pray, I cry and I beg God for that answer!

This is not a lack of faith asking these questions.  It is real life battle that I and probably thousands of other single parents are facing everyday.  I know He is sovereign.  I know God works all things together for good.  I know He loves my children more than I could ever possibly hope to. I can tell you that I knowGod is working.  What exactly He is doing, I can not tell you.  My heart hurts, I can not lie, but there is a piece of it that hopes!  

And thou shalt be secure, because there is hope; yea, thou shalt dig about thee, and thou shalt take thy rest in safety. Job 11:18

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16 thoughts on “A hole I can not fill….

  1. nita says:

    hi shell, once again my love prayers and thoughts are with you. my circumstances are different somewhat, but in many ways our desparation and sorrow is probably much the same. take care, god bless – nita.

  2. no says:

    The more we chase something, the further away it gets. I asked the Lord to speak, I heard the word SURRENDER. Surrender means: hand over; give in to another\’s power or control; give oneself up; submit; give way. I believe he wants you to surrender. Surrender your children to him. Wrap them in a blanket and place them in his arms. HE is their Father. HE will take care of them. Sometimes a father has to let his children learn through their mistakes. It can be agonising for any parent to do this. It must have been agonising for the father of the prodigal son to let him go and make his own mistakes. All he could do was watch and wait for his return. When we LET GO, things have a habit of coming back to us. And if they don\’t then they were never ours in the first place. TRUST IN HIM. Blessings my sister. My heart and my prayers go with you.Princess xxx

  3. Wanna says:

    The grace of God is amazing. So many of us missed what God meant for us to learn about walking with Him when He created mothers and fathers. We don\’t know what it is to have a relationship with an unseen Father because of so, so many gaps. But it doesn\’t mean He can\’t teach us and it doesn\’t mean He can\’t restore to us that which was missing. He is a mighty God working mightily in our lives at all times, loving us fervently at all times – even when we\’re failing. He is so for us. We are His children. I\’m not sure God meant for you to carry the burden of what\’s missing in your children\’s lives. I can only imagine the pressure that comes to try you as a single parent. But there is no pressure. God is the God of all grace. His mercy, His covenant love is forever. There is mercy – more than you\’ll ever need. There is love in abundance that you\’ll never find an end to. God has all this for you and more. The joy of the Lord is your strength. He\’s not even expecting you to come up with the joy. He supplies it, willingly, freely, gloriously.Michelle, I promise that everything\’s going to be alrigth, but it\’s not my promise; it\’s God\’s. He promises to never leave you or forsake you, and He cannot, He will not lie. If He said it, He will do it. He promises to work all things together for good to those who love him and who are the called according to His promise. That\’s you. That is your children. He gives beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise in place of a heavy spirit. He makes you strong. He strengthens you in your inner man so that Christ may dwell in your heart by faith. He is rooting you and founding you on His love and giving you strength to grasp with all of His holy, called out people the heighth, the length, the breadth, the depth of the love of God which passes knowledge. He fills you with His fullness.I love you! You\’re going to make it! You\’re running your race according to Instruction. You\’re in it to win it, and God is in it with you to ensure the victory. You are not alone. You are very, very, very loved.

  4. Michelle says:

    I so appreciate all of you who have come by to leave your words of encouragement…I posted mainly because I just did not want to carry these thoughts and feelings around in my head over the weekend…I have given my children to the Lord, many times with each situation that comes into our lives. And I do trust God more now than at any other time of my life. But these two actions do not take away the pain and anguish as we release these things to God. I have two grown children…one in the world making his way, with a child of his own and the other, my daughter, leaving the nest on not on the best of terms. The other two boys both teens still with a handful of years left till they to go on their way…I am looking back and looking forward and it seems overwhelming at times when you observe what we have already come through with God\’s help. There is no other explanation for His provision or grace and mercy in my life…..But it does help to write it out and hear from others and for that I am grateful for God working through your words!!!!He is good and He is great!!!!!with loveshell

  5. J W says:

    You see the faults because we are all full of them. The void of not having a father figure might be His master plan for you and your brood. Yes, this life is so very difficult as a Christian and especially a single mother in need of help. Remember the book Job my friend….remember Job. We don\’t have to beg God; we just have to know that He has no wish for His redeemed children to suffer without cause. The cause is Calvary. Your children will remember your example and find their own path to follow. All you can do is the best you can do. Prayers for you always my friend, my sister Michelle. You will reach your destination. Agony is not having Jesus in our lives. Tears of anguish are wiped away by a strong right Hand. Mercy is His calling card.John John

  6. Joe says:

    I can\’t say how often I\’ve dealt with situations like this. My parents own marriage has been anything but easy…sometimes you can have a figure standing there that is supposed be a dad and they just aren\’t….it messes a person up but Christ remains sufficient in this as He is in everything. We are not perfect nor without problems in life but He loves us none the less. I like the verse that talks about generational sin and it says the the fathers ate sour grapes and their son\’s teeth were set on edge….in other words they all paid for it but now under the new covenant it\’s not like that. You don\’t need to beat youself up. Grace and peace to you my friend.

  7. Duckie says:

    I have walked your path beginning 25 years ago with 4 children ranging in ages 3 to 11. I greatest enemy in the beginning was fear. My prayers were simple, "Keep us safe in your care." As a woman I also prayed to the Blessed Mother. While in prayer in font of the Blessed Mother at St. Patricks Cathedral in NY I removed my wedding band, engagement ring, and anniversary ring and placed them in the poor box. (I had intended to sell those rings while in New York City) I share this with very few people. My point is that my children and I always remained safe. There were at least 2 instances with 2 of my children, that I believe devine intervention saved them. My children too had a difficult relationship with their father, who remarried right away. I am not 100% sure just why I am on you space at this moment but I think I can guess. For tonight just breathe and be assured you and your children are in His care..

  8. Happy JAK says:

    Dearest Michelle, I could write a lot in reply to your blog, however you have the key ingredient already… FAITH! God will see you through this, He does not want to see any of His precious children hurt. Don\’t beat yourself up with what if\’s, the past.. you can not change. The future you can change… keep your FAITH IN HIM and remember you are one of His precious Jewels! God bless. Love, Kerrie xoxo

  9. Happy JAK says:

    I was just looking at the image at the top of this entry… God has spoken the words to me for you "Don\’t cry my child."

  10. no says:

    It is true, letting go and surrendering are very painful processes. I admire your courage and thank you for your honesty in sharing from your heart.Blessings Princess xxx

  11. Zeynep says:

    Hi Shell, yes, I believe that God is working on all things too. But sometimes we don\’t feel in that way, Thanks for sharing your sincere post. And thanks for stopping by and the good wishes. Have a good weekend, cheers, Zeynep xx

  12. Judith says:

    Good Morning Shell, dropping by to say hi, wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I enjoyed your up-dated photo\’s. Thanks for dropping by my space and signing my guest-book. It\’s always good hearing from you. Thanks for your sincerity and honesty in the things you shared in today\’s "Post". My prayers go with you always. God\’s Blessings, your Friend in Christ, Judith

  13. Margaret says:

    Hi ShellI have five grown children and two of them do not livein faith.I know excactly what your saying,i just keep praying that if they need to go through tough times or sicknes as long as they come to Him,to serve the Father that loves them so.God promises never to leave us nor forsake us,but He wants us to leave it with Him and that some times is hard because we want results in this instant world we live in,but it\’s all in God\’s time not ours.In the meentime we get on our knees and pray,it keeps me humbly reliant on Jesus.Hope you have a good week. hugs Margaret

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