Lately, I have been very shook up. While God has been revealing himself to me every day in some small, intimate way, I have been simultaneously wondering what is going on around me.
The enemy is trying to defeat me through the very thing God has called me to be, a Mother. Being a single mother, I have no back up, when it comes to my home. I am it! So if I fail them, which there are signs to that end, then what?
I have heard it said your children are a reflection of their parents. If that is true, then I am in big trouble with the Lord. I say that because I can not be objective, try as I might; there is no other point of view for me because I take everything personally. That is my nature.
Just within the last 7 days, I feel as if I am actually losing my mind. I pray and the heat gets hotter. When I stop praying, I panic. Every word that comes out of my mouth makes absolutely no sense to those around me (or to me for that matter). It is like every door I walk to I find to be closed and locked. Family, Friends, ministry, communicating with my children….it is a small room, just me and God!
Another thought occurred to me, God is just trying to remodel my heart? Is He trying to "grow" me again? Shake up those areas in my life that I have grown fearful in or selfish about. I know God does not give us the "spirit of fear" but I am gripped with uncertainty in everything. What ever this is, IT HURTS!
He wants my obedience, my faithfulness, of this I am sure. But what specific area, I am hesitating to ask. Not because of what it might be but I am unsure that I would have the strength and courage to obey or I won’t understand what it is He wants of me. Does that make sense? Frankly, it does not make sense to me because I know that God’s commands are clear.
So then what would make it hard for me to discern what His will is for me? Sin in my life, lack of submission or complacency? I just don’t know! I need an objective eye…someone who will point out the places that are ok, the places that need improvement or change and the places that I just need to leave alone.
Here are the things that I do know right now…
· He is present
· He is faithful
· He provides
· He loves me
· He loves my children
· He is right
· He is all I have!