It seems that most of my battles these days are between the persons that I am closest to. My family…parents and children. It is hurtful and painful to be rejected or to be misunderstood. Perhaps I am not good at clarifying my intentions or living out what I believe. Somewhere it all gets muddled up when I am trying to defend my actions. Do I believe what they say if it is more than one saying it? Or do I just consider that the evil one wants me to doubt God and His promises?
Maybe it has been that way my whole life. It is hard to come face to face with my shortcomings. Where does one begin to change…if it is indeed I who should change? What if you are not able to be objective about it? What if love, or the idea of love gets in the way? What if it turns out to be selfishness? Is is selfish to want your children to go a better way? Is it selfish to witness to your lost parent? Sometimes it seems as if every experience is senseless if you can not use it to teach others. How do you do that without alienating the other person, or pushing them away even further? What if it is a child who judges your ability to be a parent or a parent who judges your faith walk? None of these have walked in my shoes!
While I know God has a plan I am not sure that I am following it exactly. Our lesson in Sunday School had to do with discerning God’s will. There was the usual list of words, all beginning with the same letters of what God’s will was not. I got that but what does that mean to me? Especailly if I became a Christian during the last 15 years of my life, when I had already made so many mistakes, too many to count. I had already had two of my four children, which I dedicated to the Lord when I became aware of the fact that they really did not belong to me. I gave them, each one to His authority, His purpose and His will. But I often feel that I failed Him in raising them His way. So many things have happened to continue to tear apart any effort I have made to keep them in God’s Word.
As a single parent the burden is overwhelming to me. I can’t do it all. I can’t cover all the areas that need to be covered. Just when I think that I checked one block another issue comes to the forefront. I can not rest for one minute because of all the things still to battle. Yes, I know I should give Him my yoke and rest…but how can I rest knowing that the very souls of my loved ones are at stake.
“Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.” 1 Peter 5:6-9
This is hardest thing for me to completely get into my thick scull, at this point in my life. With the smallest glimmer of hope that is in my heart, I hang on by staying my mind on the victories and all the amazing, wonderful things I have seen God do in the last three years even when everything looked utterly bleak. And all of this is at time in my life where God has seen fit to put me in a very lonely place. He has taken everything and everyone out of my life that would possible step in to rescue me. I am not so sure I want to be rescued as much as I want confirmation. Confirmation that perhaps I am in His will afterall and thus giving way to the knowledge that He will most definitely work all things for good! It is then that I could rest!