Looking Down, Looking Up!

It seems that most of my battles these days are between the persons that I am closest to.  My family…parents and children.   It is hurtful and painful to be rejected or to be misunderstood.  Perhaps I am not good at clarifying my intentions or living out what I believe.  Somewhere it all gets muddled up when I am trying to defend my actions.  Do I believe what they say if it is more than one saying it?  Or do I just consider that the evil one wants me to doubt God and His promises?

Maybe it has been that way my whole life.  It is hard to come face to face with my shortcomings.  Where does one begin to change…if it is indeed I who should change?  What if you are not able to be objective about it?  What if love, or the idea of love gets in the way?  What if it turns out to be selfishness?  Is is selfish to want your children to go a better way?  Is it selfish to witness to your lost parent?  Sometimes it seems as if every experience is senseless if you can not use it to teach others. How do you do that without alienating the other person, or pushing them away even further?  What if it is a child who judges your ability to be a parent or a parent who judges your faith walk?  None of these have walked in my shoes!

While I know God has a plan I am not sure that I am following it exactly.  Our lesson in Sunday School had to do with discerning God’s will.  There was the usual list of words, all beginning with the same letters of what God’s will was not.  I got that but what does that mean to me? Especailly if I became a Christian during the last 15 years of my life, when I had already made so many mistakes, too many to count.  I had already had two of my four children, which I dedicated to the Lord when I became aware of the fact that they really did not belong to me. I gave them, each one to His authority, His purpose and His will. But I often feel that I failed Him in raising them His way.  So many things have happened to continue to tear apart any effort I have made to keep them in God’s Word.

As a single parent the burden is overwhelming to me.  I can’t do it all.  I can’t cover all the areas that need to be covered.  Just when I think that I checked one block another issue comes to the forefront. I can not rest for one minute because of all the things still to battle.  Yes, I know I should give Him my yoke and rest…but how can I rest knowing that the very souls of my loved ones are at stake.

“Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:  Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.” 1 Peter 5:6-9

This is hardest thing for me to completely get into my thick scull, at this point in my life.  With the smallest glimmer of hope that is in my heart, I hang on by staying my mind on the victories and all the amazing, wonderful things I have seen God do in the last three years even when everything looked utterly bleak.  And all of this is at time in my life where God has seen fit to put me in a very lonely place.  He has taken everything and everyone out of my life that would possible step in to rescue me.   I am not so sure I want to be rescued as much as I want confirmation. Confirmation that perhaps I am in His will afterall and thus giving way to the knowledge that He will most definitely work all things for good!  It is then that I could rest!

2 thoughts on “Looking Down, Looking Up!

  1. Good evening,
    I meditated a bit on what you shared.
    The best way to tackle it all…Just do what we can do right now and at one day at a time.
    If you know a "Bit of My Story" I did not know which way to turn and problems were coming from every direction.
    Getting through one day at a time was enough. That long list for survival for me and my children was long. But, I just keep checking stuff off the list. Overcoming obstacles. All the while I kept checking with God…What next Father? Which way Father? How to Father?
    He carried us all through and into victory.
    Have a good week, Greg

  2. Parents eventually soften up – especially as the sunset of their lives on earth gets closer.  I\’ve seen this with my mom.  At first she was overjoyed at the miracle of my re-emergence after she\’d already given herself over to the reality that she was going to have to bury me.  This truly is the point I was at when Jesus rescued me.  When I suddenly appeared after a long disappearance (for us, anyway, we have always been close, but when I first got saved, got sober, etc., I didn\’t call my mom for about 4 months) she was just so glad to have me back in the land of the living (and the sane) that she didn\’t care what the reason was.  The honeymoon didn\’t last long, though, because from then on all I could do was preach, preach, preach to her!  We finally had to kind of duke it out, and I had to really drive the point home to her that this is who I am now.  Where I am, Jesus is, and where Jesus is I am.  There is no separation.  I come as a package deal now.  And she had to deal with that and find her way to having peace with it.  Right after we duked it out, I felt the Lord dealing with me to let it rest for a time, let it soak in, and just begin focusing on building the mother-daughter relationship once again.  And through that whole process, I\’ve watched my mom come around.  I can talk openly and freely about the things of God now and she embraces who I am in Him.  The next step is that she will embrace who Jesus is to her and who He has called her to be.  
    Thanks for your loving support!  You are a blessing.  I wrote that I\’m taking a hiatus from blogging, however, I would like for you to know I\’m not taking a hiatus from any of the friendships the Lord has been building through blogging.  So let\’s just stay in touch, k?
    Love you,
    Carol 🙂 

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