Being alone or being lonely….there is a difference, you know? That has been a theme in my life lately…from sermons to bloggers. I am trying to piece together all the info God is extending out to me. For some reason I am at a loss with what I am to do with it all…since I am in a place in my walk and phase in my life where I have not had as many people around me. Mostly my kids and I believe that God has me here for a reason. They are the most important thing for me to focus on right now. I know that for many years, as a young woman, I feared being alone and had to have many friends and loved ones around me, good or bad relationships. How much energy and time I wasted seeking relationships just so I would not be alone. For most of 2004 and 2005 my fear of being alone overwhelmed me, to the point of disregarding some of my Lords commandments. But lately, especially after traveling out to NC to visit my little grandbaby, I have had so much more peace about the aloneness in my life.
I haven’t quite come to complete acceptance though. I know this by the way I react to seeing a couple holding hands or having a romantic dinner. Just the other day I had to deal with some residual resentment towards the one who made a vow to me in front of God and family that they would stay with me for better or worse and did not. I had a conversation with myself in my mind after reading something that reminded me of him…."Where did that thought come from?" "Why, now?" "You forgave him." I had to completely walk through the process again, of forgiving. My jealous heart reared up and I found myself transported back to the day he left. What causes us to remember as if it were yesterday? So fresh was the memory and feeling. It was then I realized that the place I was in now, lonely but not alone, was a God directed destination. He is in control of my past, my present and my future. The peace I have recently experienced is not from the presence of a relationship or the absence of one, it is from the simple fact that I know God knows where I have been, where I am and where I am going. When He brings more people into my life again, I will not only be accepting and grateful, but more importantly more ready to give my companionship than to take it from them! Until then I will enjoy my peace. I pray peace to you as well!
Grace to You.