"We have known and believed the love that God has for us.
God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him."
1 John 4:16
My heart is missing the love that a relationship brings. I have been separated from my husband since Feb 2004 for reasons I won’t mention. We are getting divorced and it breaks my heart for the loss of the years we shared. I spent so many of those years praying for him and "working" to be the right kind of wife God wanted me to be. Throughout these past two years I have gone through all the stages of grief, pain and loss, but still every once in a while I still have a pang. A pang of emptiness that seems so deep it washes over me like a wave. And then for days I don’t seem to be able to get my feet solid on the ground.
I have spent many tears at the feet of Jesus about this one thing. Love. Love and acceptance. Forever love with someone who will love me through all the ups and downs of life. Twice, I thought I found it and twice I lost it. It occurred to me that maybe I never had it in the first place. I read on my devotional yesterday, actually it was from Saturday and since I was not at work I did not read it until Monday, That "The greater your longing for love, the greater is your capacity to recieve the love from God." (from Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot) Can that be true? If my longing overwhelms me to the point of physical heart ache, how does God’s love remove it or replace it? I am still seeking the answer to that one.
And then today’s devotional…"Love is the way to maturity. Selfishness stunts growth and keeps us in a spiritual playpen." (A Lamp for My Feet by Elizabeth Elliot) The reference verse was 1 Thes 3:12 "May the Lord make you increase and abound in love to one another and to all." Is my heart selfish? Am I abounding in love to others, to all? No not all, I am probably too busy wanting it for myself. Oh, Lord, Forgive me?
As I spend time in my bible study on revival (this week is about being honest before God) I can see that my heart wants what it wants. It has gotten me into trouble before. Selfishness, desire and pride. Wanting to be loved and accepted at all cost. Now that I have tried to get it on my own I see what God has tried to tell me over and over in my life.
"Love comes from me, child. No other person or thing can fill you the way that I can."
David was the example of that…he finally realized that his emptiness was filled only by his Lord.
"God, give me that kind of wisdom, give me that kind of desire…set my heart and mind on things of heaven. Show me how to recieve your love."