I got to thinking about what the last two years have been like…how to explain it. To myself and to others and I came up with this…humor me a bit… I have not shared this anyone else but God. I think he is probably shaking His head wondering how silly I am, how complicated I make everything which is one reason I believe it is taking me so long to get back on track.
I had a closet that was all neat and organized. Everything was on a shelf and labeled. One day I saw something was wrong in the closet, something was out of place. I wasn’t at peace about it and it nagged me day in and day out. Other people knew something was wrong too but no one knew exactly what it was. I asked people to look at my closet and tell me what to fix. Some said "pray about it" others said "let’s talk about it in a group". Some people said it was "demons" and they had to be cast out…finally I went to the Lord and said "whatever it takes" And BOOM! Everything that was wrong was taken out of the closet but it wasn’t taken out neatly, just pulled out leaving everything in there a mess and disorganized. When I went to look in the closet I did not know where to start to put it back together so I just picked it up and and shoved it up on the shelf so it would fit. Others came along and started to help me organize but had to leave in the middle leaving me more stuff to go through. I put new stuff in there because I had to put it someplace but I did not have time to organize it and eventually I forgot it what was even in there. So instead of getting it all out and starting over I just put more stuff in there even stuff that would not fit. It got broken or torn because it was not suppose to be in the closet at all. I even stopped asking for help with the closet because I didn’t want anyone to see the shape it was in or what all was in there. It was stuffed so full it burst open for the world to see. God revealed everything in the closet. It was not pretty nor was it easy to get through it all. Now the closet is open, the hinges on the door are busted and it won’t close right. Some of the shelves are broken so I have to put everything in there in a stack…which is getting pretty high. I can’t figure out how I am suppose to organize it. I am so baffled because before I was such a good organizer. I don’t have the time to spend in the closet that I had before because of all the other rooms I have to take care of…. Can’t have a new closet, I have to use this one because it is the one that God gave me. Slowly but surely I have made some effort and even gotten rid of some things but when I look inside the stack never gets smaller. I want to go to God and say again "what ever it takes" but the fear engulfs my heart…I will never forget the last time I prayed that… because He answered it.
That is where I am….the last time I surrendered all, the bottom fell out. He answered my prayer, which today still stuns me that He answered it before I prayed it…I even thanked Him for answering the prayer, on many occasions. But over time all I can see is the ashes left and I am standing in the middle of them. "God brings beauty from ashes" I know, I know, boy do I know…but that truth has not lessened the pain one bit. EE in the book "The Path of Loneliness" says that "It is possible to accept and to endure loneliness without bitterness when there is a vision of glory beyond." I have to confess bitterness every day and do I need that vision!